When I worked as a corporate event planner, the closures of e-mails were always very straightforward and professional.  Regards, Sincerely or a good old fashioned Thank You, followed by a comma and a name.  No casualness.  No smiley faces.  God help you – no exclamation points.

My time in the entertainment industry was less formal and more EXCITED!!  Lots of exclamation points – usually one per project!!!!!!!!  “LIFE IS GREAT AND I HAVE EVERYTHING TOGETHER!!!” surrounded by links to personal websites with an assortment of xoxoxos since everyone loves everyone in show biz.  Regards was replaced with Best or Talk Soon.  Less formal.  More transparent and looking for work.

Owning a yoga studio brought me e-mails with closures I never dreamed of.  I’m not talking about your spiritual garden variety of Peace or Love and Light.  Those I can handle.  Love and Light actually makes me feel warm and fuzzy, since it reminds me of one of my favourite childhood toys, the gloworm.  What I’m talking about here are spiritual e-mail closures that leave me baffled, curious or just plain giggling.  And it seems to me that the more spiritually evolved a person claims to be, the more curious (insert ridiculous and often obnoxious) their closures become.

“Infinite Blessings be upon you and yours”

This whimsical little number was at the end of an e-mail demanding that I pay a studio invoice that was past due.  The e-mail warned me that if there was not payment within 30 days, there would be consequences.  The e-mail was then signed ‘Infinite Blessings Be Upon You and Yours’ with a name.  This, my friends, is spiritual passive-aggressiveness at its finest.  The classic pre-closure “consequence and threat” with a post-body “self-righteous high road”.  I did what I had to do to pay the invoice, since the whole thing was an infinite pain in my ass.

“Namaste”

Personally speaking, I don’t think you should sign something Namaste unless you are fluent in Sanskrit.  Otherwise, it seems pretentious and awkward.  Kinda like Shakespearian actors who insist in speaking in liquid ‘U’s, even after closing night of Henry V.  How about peace?  Same meaning.  Simple.  English.

“Yours in Cosmic Consciousness”

 This one is awesome.  It’s Milky Way meets Freud.  It came at the end of an e-mail asking me to pay lots of money for a workshop that was guaranteed to change the way I approach my yoga practice.  I seriously considered it.  I mean, who doesn’t want to be a part of the cosmic consciousness?

 “Yours in Body, Mind and Spirit”

 This one throws me in a kilt and takes me right back to Catholic school.  Reading it makes me feel like I should do the sign of the cross and say Amen.  It was the closure of an e-mail from someone I’d never met asking about teaching opportunities.  It didn’t make me want to hire him.

 “Hoping You’ll Join Me on the Path to Enlightenment”

This one is fantastic.  It came after a simple e-mail.  Something about wanting to rent our studio for a photo shoot.  Unless the e-mail is signed by Buddha, I don’t think anyone should ever use this.  Never.  Ever.

And so now I find myself confused as to how I should sign my e-mails.  I tried infinite peaceful blessings a couple of times, but the inauthenticity of it made me feel dirty.  I tried just signing my name for a while with no closure, but it seemed far too closed and unavailable.  Needless to say, I’m determined to try out different things until I find the right fit.

 Jazz Hands and Glitter,

Toni Grates

Coming up with a name for our studio was fairly challenging.  Sanskrit words were out, as were all words synonymous with breathing.  Yoga poses were also out, as was anything involving the words “energy, om, lotus or chakra”.  ”Toni Grates’ Yoga Emporium” seemed like a mouthful and “Real Deal Yoga” left me tongue tied, so we decided to keep it simple and name the studio after our geographical location.

And Village Yoga Canada was born.

It was only a matter of weeks before we received a letter from Diane, the owner and founder of Village Yoga on the Jersey Shore.

Dear Village Yoga Canada,

I recently received an e-mail from one of your members thinking that we were you, which we’re not, because we’re us.  We are Village Yoga , serving the residents of the Jersey Shore.  You need to change your name, because this is going to get very confusing for our members and that’s not cool.  We had the name first and I don’t want my members getting confused.

I’m hoping you’re going to be ethical about this.

Namaste,

Diane

Unsure as to how anyone could confuse “Village Yoga Canada” with “Village Yoga on the Jersey Shore”, I e-mailed her back.

Dear Diane,

Thanks for your e-mail.  I’m sorry that you received an e-mail from one of our members in error.  We assure you that we’re not out to take members from you, especially since you’re 9-10 hours away from us.  We’ve named our studio after our geographical location and I would assume that your members will know we’re not you since the word “Canada” is a part of our name.  We’re happy to talk with you on the phone about this.  It is not our intention to be unethical about anything.

Thanks for your time,


Village Yoga Canada

I didn’t hear back from Diane for about 2 months.

Dear Village Yoga Canada,

I got another 4 e-mails from your members asking me questions about your schedule.  Clearly, I don’t have time for this and it’s getting in the way of the work I need to do at my studio.

I have no other option but to take legal action if you don’t immediately change your name.  I had Village Yoga first and it’s mine.

Namaste,

Diane from VILLAGE YOGA

At this point, for solely my own entertainment, I started imagining that Diane was Snookie from the hit reality show Jersey Shore and that all her members were foul mouthed Jersey Shore brats, who went to yoga to pick up.

Diane,

We’re not changing our name since we’ve legally been advised that it is available in Canada and since there is really no way that your members could possibly confuse “Village Yoga on the Jersey Shore” with “Village Yoga Canada”.

We’re sorry that our members have again contacted you.  Since our e-mail addresses are fairly similar, we will figure out a new address to go by.

This is yoga, right?  So there’s no need for lawsuits.

Thanks for understanding,

Village Yoga CANADA

It was another month of silence before Snookie resurfaced.

Village Yoga Canada,

 I have a log of 13 people who have contacted us thinking we are you.  I used to work in NYC and I know a LOT of good lawyers.  You will be hearing from one of them VERY soon, since you insist on being unethical.

 I have no choice but to sue you for damages.

Namaste,

Village Yoga on the Jersey Shore

I never did hear from Diane’s lawyer.  I’m assuming it’s because she looked at a map and realized that the Jersey Shore is nowhere near Toronto, Canada.  Or maybe she took the time to reflect on the wise and immortal words of Snookie herself:

“I’m gonna do me.  You do you.”

(Jersey Shore, MTV)

We all know that yoga has been in the East for centuries, where students study their whole lives before daring to call themselves “teacher” at which time they humbly impart their wisdom onto others.  In the East, yoga is a way of life and something sacred.

In the West, that doesn’t matter because we know everything.

That’s right.  Here in the West, where we have mastered the art of exploitation and cashing in, it’s a sure bet that sacred won’t sell.  As the Gospel of Broadway’s Gypsy proclaims, “Kid, you gotta have a gimmick, if you wanna get ahead!”

I can hear some of you taking deep belly breaths already.  Rest assured, it’ll sell in a church basement, a community centre or someone’s backyard, but when we’re talking high overhead – we’re talking go big or go home yoga and it better be something you can’t get around the corner.

There’s “Laughing Yoga” for those looking to cultivate joy.  “Yoga for Athletes” since a regular class won’t do.  “Groove Yoga” for the musically inclined.  “Hip Hop Yoga” to celebrate your inner urban dancer.  And, of course, there’s DOGA.

Doggie Yoga.

I’d first heard about DOGA in 2004 when I lived in Los Angeles.  At the time, I lived in an affordable mixed bag pocket right between David Schwimmer’s neighbourhood and a Sketchy Gang Neighbourhood.  4 times a week I’d walk to a well known and highly respected yoga studio that happened to offer DOGA on Tuesdays.  At first I thought it was a joke, but after seeing the human treatment dogs got in LA – doggie spa, anyone? – I realized this was very real and very lucrative.

I didn’t have a dog, because I’m allergic (and by allergic, I mean, not a dog lover), but I excitedly wrote home about it nonetheless, sharing the concept with my friends for entertainment’s sake.

Cut to 2011.

My friend and colleague contacts me about a new show she’s producing for the pet channel.  It’s a show about things you can do with your dogs.  You know where this is going, right?

“I’m not going to lie,” I tell her, “I’m not a huge dog person.”

“Don’t worry,” she assures me, “It’ll be fun.”  “Most important,” she asks, “Does your studio offer DOGA?”

Does my studio offer DOGA on a national lifestyle television series that lots of people will see with advertising for our studio and therefore potential revenue?

Of course we offer DOGA.

And…ACTION.  8 dogs with their owners bonding through yoga.  We laughed a lot.  This was more about community and good old fashioned entertainment than anything, but ultimately it was also a potential new revenue stream.

I focused on the idea of community building since I felt dirty thinking about how this hybrid might be angering the Yoga Gods.  Ultimately, post tv show, I stopped advertising it since I didn’t feel I was being authentic offering it.  Let’s face it,  dogs aren’t really my passion and sweeping up dog fur and disinfecting floors is time consuming.  I really do think that being able to fully stand behind and endorse what you’re selling is key to the success of any business, since passion and enthusiasm will take you for miles before real revenue kicks in.  Before you do something, ask yourself  “Is what I’m about to do in response to my passion or my panic?” and you’ll never go wrong.  I panicked many times, which bit me in my asana on more than one occasion.

I’m not against yoga hybrids, but there are many yoga purists who are.  I can’t blame them really.  It cheapens and degrades a tradition that’s been around for centuries.  It’s arrogant and proves that Eastern yoga hasn’t entirely made it to the West.

But it sells and it makes your studio cool.  Two things that are of the utmost importance to keeping your studio in business.

So, for those of you looking to take your yoga studio to the next level, I’ve come up with some new hybrids.  Please feel free to use these.  Consider them my gift to the yoga community:

BOGA

Bollywood Yoga!

 This fantastic flow will take you straight to Bombay and back with sizzling colours and hand gestures to match.

FOGA

Fencing meets yoga!

 This fun hybrid will knock your non-existent socks off.  Take your warrior series to the next level.  Sun salutations will be interspersed will sword work.  Must have your own sword to participate.

WOGA

Yoga underwater!

Embrace one of the four elements and create buoyancy in your practice.  Must bring your own oxygen tank.  We highly suggest investing in organic oxygen, which can be purchased at our studio for one million dollars.

ZOGA

Yoga at the zoo!

Let the sight, sounds and smells of the animals inspire your practice – a great way to expand your idea of community to include all of the animal kingdom.  Weather permitting.